Barroom jokes

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15 signs you drank too much
 
 
15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

brutus' last stand
 
 
A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and asks, "Does anyone knows who's Doberman Pincher is outside chained up?
The burliest, ugliest and hairiest guy in the joint stands up and mutters, "It's mine old timer? What's it to you?"
"I hate to be the bearer of such dreadful news, but I believe the poor beast has passed on," explained the old man.
"What? Are you sure? How did he die?" asked the shocked biker guy. "It seems that my dog killed him, I'm sorry to say," replied the old man.
"I don't buy it," remarked the biker in disbelief, "No dog could beat my Brutus.
"It's true, my Gunther killed him."
"Oh yeah? Well, what kind of dog is your Gunther, anyway?"
"A Chihuahua," answered the old man.
"There is no way that a measely little Chihuahua could have killed Brutus. No way."
"If you don't believe me, take a look for yourself," instructed the man, "It looks he tried to swallow him whole and choked to death."
string theory
 
 
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

mermaid sex
 
 
This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He happened to look down the bar and see a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball. So he walked down and said to the man, “Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but I noticed you have a small head. Is this a birth defect?” The man said “No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the German's in WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship so I swam to shore. One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me three wishes. For my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S. The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid. She said, ‘I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have sex.’”
So I said, “How about a little head?”

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