french horn
Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can't march.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.
Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I played that last year."
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A: A goal post that can't march.
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can't march.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.
Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I played that last year."
tuba
Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.
Q: There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman
Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.
Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba glue."
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A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.
Q: There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman
Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.
Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba glue."
flute
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison.
Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.
Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute?
A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.
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A: Two flutes playing a unison.
Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.
Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute?
A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.
accordions
An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.
Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a pager.
Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the range of an accordion?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
Q: What's a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.
Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
A: The accordion takes longer to burn.
Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.
Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold a map.
Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.
Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
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Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a pager.
Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the range of an accordion?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
Q: What's a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.
Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
A: The accordion takes longer to burn.
Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.
Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold a map.
Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.
Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
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