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thrown out of the lab
Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."

7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."

6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"

5. Deny the existence of chemicals.

4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid

1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

chem one-liners 04
Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
A: Methylated Spirits!

Q: How many atoms in a guacamole?
A:Avocado's number.

Q: What do chemists use to make guacomole?
A: Avogadros.

Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.

These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago: It takes alkynes to make a world.

"Take plenty of the dark purple solution", Tom offered, managnimously.

"This old pipe is rusty", said Tom, ironically.

a geologist's song 01
The Geologist's Come-All-Ye (a folksong) by Brenna Lorenz
Come all ye lads and you will hear
About the life that we love dear,

Refrain: With our diddle-air-re-oh, falling rock away, knock it down,
Fall-di-knock-a-rock-away, me laddie-oh!

Geologists all bold and strong,
We are the subject of this song.

We get up with the rising sun
And map until the day is done.

We walk two hundred miles a day,
And study rocks along the way.

We fight our way through brush and trees
And slog through bog up to our knees.

When flies are thick, then we don't walk,
They carry us from rock to rock.

We swing our hammers with a whack,
Take home an outcrop on our backs.

Nine hundred pounds of rock or more
Is just an average daily score.

If we run out of food to eat
There's always rock beneath our feet.

There's nothing quite like granite stew
'Though graptolites are some good, too.

In the evening to the clubs we flock,
To drink Dominion and Old Stock.

Here's to your health and our health, too,
May your life prove as good to you,

As our...

song of the elements
There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium
And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium (inhale)
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.

There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium
And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium and barium.

There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium
And phosphorous and francium and fluorine and terbium
And manganese and mercury, molybdinum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium
And lead, praseodymium, platinum, plutonium,
Paladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
Tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, (inhale)
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.

There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium
And also mendelevium, einsteinium and nobelium
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium
And chlorine, cobalt, carbon, copper,
Tungsten, tin and sodium.

- Tom Lehrer

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