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chem one-liners 01
 
 
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams

Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.

Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!

There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine and died of an overdose.

How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker?
None. That's what organic chemists are for!

It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue. --quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)

Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the negative logaritm is linear with 1/T -- D.L. Bunker

Q: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.

nail in experiment
 
 
DURING my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment. "I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail," he said. The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, "Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?"

-- Contributed to "Tales Out of School" by Carolyn Stickney 1996 The Reader's Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.

earth science answers
 
 
REAL ANSWERS FROM EARTH SCIENCE EXAMS

The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants.

Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite sides of the Atlantic.

The main problem associated with limestone aquifers is Lyme disease.

We don't have rock salt on Guam because that forms from from evaporation of oceans and we don't have oceans on Guam.

Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because it's too cold there.

The most important agent of landscape formation on Guam is greyhounds - they are intelligent.

We know that the sun is much farther away from us than the moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun, but not between us and the moon.

The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.

the biology song 03
 
 
ODE TO A CLONE
By John Scalzi

(This originally appeared in America Online's "Howdy" area on March 6th.)

Oh clone, my clone, how can you bear it
To exist knowing you have only one parent?
No zygote you, when haploid cells met
You were produced with a full chromosome set.
And now I can see that you are confused
To discover your genes have arrived slightly used.
To answer your questions is the aim of this poem
You who are like me, my clone, oh my clone.

You were not produced from between sweaty sheets
In fact, you arose from cells scraped off of my cheek.
Your genes gently placed in an egg we provided
And then shocked with a current until they divided.
You sat there a while till it was time to fish
That thing that was you from that petri dish.
(And though it may seem churlish at this time to mention,
we suspect that the dish had post-partum depression).

Oh clone, my clone, don't feel angst or feel grief
Because the genes that you have are not bought but are leased.
You have no mother, but that's no impediment
Indeed, you've bypassed the whole Complex of Oedipus.
To your one parent you can always relate
To do otherwise is a form of self hate.
Who can tell us apart when we answer the phone?
No one at all, my clone, oh my clone.

Think of all the experiences we'll have!
(That is, once they allow you to go from the lab).
I'll take you to places that I've already been
So you can see them once more for the first time again.
Let's go to work, where I think we will find
That we'll get twice as much done in just half the time.
And should we play tennis, our opponents have troubles
As they must play singles, but we shall play doubles.

Oh clone, my clone, I see you are vexed
By ethical issues admittedly complex.
If you are my clone, are you wed to my wife?
And would having two husbands cause marital strife?
Suppose that we clone her? Then what would that be?
Bigamy, polygamy, or polyandry?
Oh, the guilt I would have would go to the bone
If I accidentally slept with your wife, oh my clone.

Perhaps it would be better if we lived all our days
Away from each other -- and go separate ways.
I would stay here and live with my mate
And you would take yours to some other state
Perhaps to Alaska, with Northern Lights blue
To live off the land, in a hut or igloo.
And with a deep sense of pride all my friends would be shown
Many pictures of your house, a Nome clone dome home.

Oh clone, my clone, you impressive feat
The one person born with no help from gametes.
When you have troubles getting yourself to sleep
Do you think on your compatriot, Dolly the sheep?
It's true that we both share our genetic information
But I know that your mind performs its own peregrinations.
In the end I am me, and you are just you alone
You are your own person, my clone, oh my clone.


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