science jokes jokes

The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town

You better not weigh
You better not heat
You better not react
I'm telling you now
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

He's collecting data
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out
The heat of melting ice
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

He sees you when you're decanting
He knows when you titrate
He knows when you are safe or not
So wear goggles for goodness sake.

Oh, you better not filter
And drink your filtrate
You better not be careless and spill your precipitate.
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

Away in a Test Tube
(Melody: "Away in a Manger")

Away in a test tube
My plague cultures grow
On nutrient agar
Mankind's greatest foe

It's easy to grow them
If one does it right
At thirty-five Celsius
All day and all night

Once they are ready
You can let them go
To sicken the masses
With pus-filled buboes.

Why Don't We Mix Up the Two

(Tune, "Why don't we get drunk..."
with apologies to Jimmy Buffett)

I've got a pound of Cesium,
It's burning gently near.
The sky-blue flame looks lovely,
But it's noise I want to hear.
So darlin' bring some water,
A couple pints'll do.
And why don't we mix up the two?

Why don't we mix up the two?
'Cause Cesium and water,
Really make a wicked brew.
You say I've got a death wish,
But honey, I'm just blue.
So why don't we mix up the two?

---Songs of Cesium #29

After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident which has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy.

In terse statements at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said Thursday We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nations' team, separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident.

The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only: OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.