parent jokes jokes

Things Mom Would Never Say

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
   
   
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
   
   
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
   
   
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
   
   
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
   
   
6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
   
   
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
   
   
8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
   
   
9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
   
   

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Great truths about life that adults have learned

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
5. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
6. Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
7. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
8. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
9. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
10. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
11. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.