DAILY AFFIRMATIONS - Whatever jokes

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DAILY AFFIRMATIONS

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch   with my Inner Sociopath.

 

I have the power to channel my imagination into   ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

 

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the   ones that are someone else's fault.

 

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise   myself.  Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

 

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

 

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having   control over others.

 

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good   judgment.

 

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would   have no personality at all.

 

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

 

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those   censorious, self-righteous people around me.

 

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan,   whimper and complain.

 

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around   me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

 

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a   lawsuit.  But not nearly as gratifying.

 

The first step is to say nice things about   myself.  The second, to do nice things for myself.  The third, to find someone   to buy me nice things.

 

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to   carry a gun.

 

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly,   stupid, and disgusting parts.

 

I am at one with my duality.

 

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves   into knots.

 

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th   birthday.

 

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing   myself with imaginary fears.

 

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless   of state and local laws.

 

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for   there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

 

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

 

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to   the problem.

 

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all   day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

 

Who can I blame for my own problems?  Give me just   a minute... I'll find someone.

 

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can   spend it worrying about the future?

 

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that   the conspiracy is working.

 

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective   as sabotage.

 

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the   next step -- blaming my parents.

 

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make   it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

 

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is   willing to learn from them.