aviation jokes jokes

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

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(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

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(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

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(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

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(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit

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(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

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(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

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(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order

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(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

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(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

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(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for

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(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

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(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

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(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"