Bush jokes

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Ross Perot are on a ship when it is sinking. Perot orders for all women to head for the life boats. Bush says screw the women! Clinton says "Do we have time?"

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State...

• The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
• As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
• Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
• Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
• We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced
• He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink
• She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
• It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
• Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
• This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block
• He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
• They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin
• Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told
• As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
• You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

The British speech:

"If you are ferocious in battle, remember to be magnanimous in victory, we go to liberate, not to conquer.

We are entering Iraq to free a people, and the only flag that will be flown in that ancient land is their own. Don't treat them as refugees, for they are in their own country. If there are casualties of war, then remember, when they woke up and got dressed in the morning they did not plan to die this day. Allow them dignity in death. Bury them properly and mark their graves. You will be shunned unless your conduct is of the highest, for your deeds will follow you down history. Iraq is steeped in history. It is the site of the Garden of Eden, of the Great Flood and the birth of Abraham. Tread lightly there."

The US speech :

"When the president says 'Go', look out - it's hammer time"

(followed by "We Will Rock You" at high volume)