IF _____ MADE TOASTERS - Technology jokes

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IF _____ MADE TOASTERS
If Oracle made toasters...  They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all  brands and styles of bread, but when you got it  home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in  development, the Croissant Extension was three  years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance  was just blowing smoke.   

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...  They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes  in toast and gives you regular bread.   

If IBM made toasters...  They would want one big toaster where people bring  bread to be submitted for overnight toasting.  IBM  would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six  toasters.   

If Xerox made toasters...  You could toast one-sided or double-sided.    Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.    The toaster would jam your bread for you.   

If Radio Shack made toasters...  The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know  anything about it.  Or you could buy all the parts  to build your own toaster.   

If Thinking Machines made toasters...  You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread  at the same time.   

If Cray made toasters...  They would cost $16 million but would be faster  than any other single-slice toaster in the world.   

If the Rand Corporation made toasters...  It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless  black cube.  Every morning there  would be a piece  of toast on top of it. Their service department  would have an unlisted phone number and the  blueprints for the box would be highly classified  government documents. The X-Files would have an  episode about it.   

If the NSA made toasters...  Your toaster would have a secret trap door that  only the NSA could access in case they needed to  get at your toast for reasons of national  security.   

If Sony made toasters...  The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than  the single piece of bread it is meant to toast,  can be conveniently attached to your belt.   

If Timex made toasters...  They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist  toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.   

If Fisher Price made toasters...  'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank  that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like  a jack-in-the-box.   

If Microsoft made toasters...  Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would  have to buy a toaster.  You wouldn't have to take  the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it  anyway.  Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds  (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw  enough electricity to power a small city, take up  95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to  be the first toaster that lets you control how  light or dark you want your toast to be, and would  secretly interrogate your other appliances to find  out who made them.  Everyone would hate Microsoft  toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since  most of the good bread only works with their  toasters.   

If Apple made toasters...  It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does,  but five years earlier.