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school jokes

burger conversations
M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."

Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."

Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."

Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some Escargot."

Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."

Williams: "Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."

Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."

Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."

Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend."
"Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries."

Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend."
"Have some beer."

Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy League."
"Here, drink the fry grease."

try to bribe a professor
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

impossible final exams
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.

Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.

Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will wupport your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.

Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.

Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.

you ready for college?
The below quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers for each question as your answer.

1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you don't have any clean socks. You:

a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two that don't make your eyes water.

b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.

c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.

d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you thought tonight was the big toga party.

2) In order to afford a decent apartment you'll need to find a roommate. The most important feature in a roommate is:

a. They don't own an accordion.

b. Their main goal in life isn't to prove heterosexuality is vastly overrated.

c. When they tell you they love smokin' rock, they are referring to an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.

d. They don't arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says "cockroaches are people too."

3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it's two hours before the paper is due and you haven't even written the first line. You:

a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.

b. You write a fantasy paper titled, "What if Shakespeare was born a pig?" You rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, "Piglet."

c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole' days when it wasn't considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.

d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.

4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what you're made of. Your biggest goal is:

a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.

b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before big tests.

c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn't begin with 1-900.

d. To prove illiteracy isn't necessarily a drawback.

5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which of the following is the best way to save money?:

a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a catchers mitt and screaming, "food fight!"

b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.

c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.

d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans. This has the added benefit of insuring you won't have any friends who'll try to talk you into going out on weekends.

6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it's crucial that, on your college application you don't mention:

a. In high school you were voted "most likely to become a political prisoner."

b. You haven't tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled your Prozac dosage.

c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.

d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A for effort.

7) It's a generally considered a bad sign if:

a. You're asked to pledge "Geek."

b. MIT tells you they'll accept you as long as you qualify for their football scholarship.

c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a Second Language.

d. An aptitude shows you're best qualified to be homeless.

8) The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:

a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.

b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.

c. You have no hope since you've never passed as much as a urine test.

d. Study hard. (I'm just checking whether you're paying attention.)

9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams, be sure to impress the interviewer by:

a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the country.

b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.

c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations and the New World Order, and how you've figured out how to build a powerful bomb out of old newspapers and Hershey's syrup.

d. Speak in tongues.

10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations. In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:

a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.

b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)

c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your first class.)

d. All of the below.

Scoring your test:

For each A - add 5 points.
For each B - divide by 1.377 points.
For each C - multiply by 0 points.
For each D - subtract 500 points.
For each F that you circled - See an eye doctor.
If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health practitioner immediately!

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