travel jokes jokes

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

We do not advise following any of the below driving rules to any extent. Driving should be taken seriously at all times. The below jokes are simply here for entertainment purposes.

When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the carpool lane do not need to stop. Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need to stop.

If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current color of the light.

The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.

If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots.

Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.

Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.

While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.

Every lane is the suicide lane.

Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your car in a parking ramp.

During rush hour, drivers should pass the time by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.

If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of icicle plants.

For parking purposes, all SUVs are compact cars. Honest.

To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are driving on the 101 or suffering from a midlife crisis.

If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news.

Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.

Totally disregard on-coming traffic.

If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!

Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5 AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.

Never Carpool.

Take full advantage of your right to U-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.

In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can not drive in any sort of precipitation.

While driving uphill, do not down shift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.

When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable the alarm, and put The Club (TM) on your steering wheel.

On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.

Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.