Bush jokes

Why did Osama bin Laden visit Mount Sinai?

He wanted to see the burning Bush.

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.

Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let's make a hockey team, eh?

Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.

Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.

Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.

Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.

Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on command.

Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.

Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.

Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.

Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.

Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.

Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.

Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.

Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.

Jehovah's Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.

Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.

Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.

Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.

Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.

Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.

George Bush is so stupid, he went to a concert and waved to Stevie Wonder.

This week, the Bush administration finally released the official start-date of the U.S. war in Iraq, giving the United Nations a March 17th deadline by which to disband, or face total annihilation. As a side-note the White House also designated that date as the deadline by which Iraq must be fully disarmed in order to avoid the gift of democracy. Secretary of State Colin Powell spoke to reporters after addressing the U.N. earlier this week, explaining that, "even though we consider the destruction of the Iraqi people a major priority, our greater motivation is to completely undermine the United Nations as a credible or functioning entity in global affairs. We wouldn't be accused so consistently of violating international law if there was no international law of which to speak."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld elaborated on that position Friday, chuckling that, "that should take care of some of the crybabys." D

During the same briefing, Donald Rumsfeld addressed his notorious remarks that characterized the opposition to America's war in Iraq as "old Europe," clarifying that, "when I used that term to describe countries like France and Germany, I just meant it in the respect that when we're through with the world, they won't have electricity, running water, or gay bathhouses, just like in Medieval times ."

So as the deadline approaches, the U.N.'s fifteen member security council remains sharply divided on the matter, but President Bush has maintained his steadfast confidence in the necessity of action in Iraq, strengthened by his belief that, "Jesus would never send a Yale man to Hell." In light of international pleas, from both nation members of the U.N. and a weapon inspections team headed by Hans Blix, to continue pursuing peaceful disarmament, President Bush stated during his Thursday press conference that, "I think it's clear beyond a reasonable doubt that we are still in a diplomatic phase right now. War is not inevitable. Saddam Hussein has until March 17th to decide. If by then 2 million Iraqi people spontaneously die, Saddam Hussein drowns in his kitchen sink, the United Nations stops inventing treaties we don't want to sign, oil becomes obsolete, Iraq changes its national anthem to "Downtown" by Petula Clark, I win yet another term without having to undergo a democratic election, my father stops referring to me remorsefully as "Barbara's night of indiscretion with a sub-average Ferris-wheel operator from a genetically questionable Mississippi pharmaceutical town," and Iraq fully and finally disarms, then we can begin to make some peaceful progress. It's a very simple demand that has been met with resistance, lies, and deception for more than a decade. This is Saddam Hussein's last chance to prove he can disarm to avert war."

Going into this weekend, Iraq responded to the American proposed deadline by quickening the pace of its missile destruction, under the observation of U.N. weapons inspectors. By Sunday afternoon, the number of dismantled weapons had jumped from six to 46. President Bush responded to these efforts of disarmament, opening and closing his remarks by indicating that, "that's not what we mean by disarmament." In order to better qualify the vagueness of America's demands, the President explained that later in the week that, "while we consider regime change in Iraq inevitable, we consider war completely evitable."

As the White House seriously contemplates the offhand possibility of war, cautiously weighing the costs and benefits therein, a quarter of a million U.S. troops have massed on the desert borders of Iraq, "for a military symposium on the importance of sand," according to an unidentified officer stationed in Kuwait. Armed Forces General Tommy Franks spoke further on the special event that includes such sand-oriented educational clinics as driving tanks in the sand, blowing craters in the sand and littering the sand with body parts, stating that, "while the convention is geared toward tactical maneuvering in the sand, we are also acutely aware of our coincidental proximity to Iraq. And in the unlikely event that President Bush orders a strike on Iraq, we are prepared to send our valued sand experts home and go to work. We may be in the midst of a crucial training phase, but the United States army is always ready to answer the call of duty, no matter how suddenly it comes."

And while it bears repeating that the war in Iraq is still avoidable according to the Bush administration, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer warned Americans during a Friday press conference that, "the coming war, which is being done to prevent terrorism at home and abroad, will certainly renew the great threat of terrorist attacks against the United States and its friends and allies." And to combat the routinely non-specific nature of Homeland Security's recent terror alerts, he introduced the White House's newest measure in ensuring the complete pervasion of an insane and unquenchable panic in the American public, unveiling www.itcouldbeyou.gov. The new, federally maintained website will give Americans the opportunity to sign in, enter personal information and find out if they, individually, could be the next victim of a terrorist attack. Fleischer described it as "a great way to assess your own vulnerability." All you have to do is enter your name, address, social security number, credit card information, a copy of the deed to your house, the number of crimes you've been convicted of, the names of all the communists you've ever met, read or seen on television, you're favorite pillar of Islam and three magazines that you'd most like to receive great subscription deals on and we tell you whether or not you, your family or your friends could be the next victims of a fundamentalist terrorist attack. If the answer is yes, you will be presented with a list of products that could protect you from terrorism, thanks to an agreement between the administration and the Best Buy superstore chain. The site will also feature such purchase options as anti-terror supply gift certificates, local militia recruitment videos and personal crowd control tasers.