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graphics work too much
 
 
You've been in graphics too long if...
by Chris Thornborrow

  1. Most of your friends can pronounce Gouraud first time.
  2. When you fist heard that some people used 16 million colours you wondered whatever for and continued to write colour-map tables for correct highlights on objects.
  3. You remember comp.graphics when there weren't enough articles for you to read, none of them included the word PC and nobody ever asked the difference between raytracing and rendering.
  4. You insist that DOOM does not use raycasting. (Technically, as it was first introduced, and anyway, who plays games at your age?)
  5. Your partner knows the difference between scientific visualisation and photorealistic rendering, even though they wouldn't know a polygon from a camel.
  6. You think an SGI Indy is OK for a quick hack but not a real graphics machine.
  7. You remember discussing how one day there would be graphics hardware to support rendering in desktop machines and people laughed.
  8. You watched the Last Starfighter in an empty theatre and marvelled thinking it was even better than TRON.
  9. You remember thinking that parallel computers would solve your graphics problems.
  10. You remember when you thought X was a high level graphics language.
  11. You get drunk and suddenly get really excited examining the light reflected through the whisky.
  12. You get despondent while walking in the woods and think "I'll never be able to render this in real time."
  13. You once sat up all night watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
  14. You sat up the next night with colleagues watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
  15. Your address book has email entries for Benoit, James F, and Prof David R and Eric.
  16. You think being a computer geek is only half way there.
  17. You wonder how nature processes all those photons so quickly.
  18. When people mention the word graphics you really insist they are more accurate in their terminology.
  19. You get irritated by people who say, "Oh, graphics, that's a solved problem" (even if they then go on to be precise about what they mean by the term "graphics").
  20. You own one or more of the following: a glass sphere, a prism, more then two copies of Foley and Van Dam, a computer which cost more than your car, a computer which cost more than your house, a pet named Phong, a graphics board from a defunct supercomputer (properly framed) or a Rubics Cube (original).
  21. You get 75% or more of these jokes.
guide to computer lingo
 
 
Log on - Adding a log to your wood stove

Log off - Don't add a log to your wood stove

Monitor - Keep an eye on the wood stove

Megahertz - When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning

Floppy disk - What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove

Ram - The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work

Drive - Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove

Hard drive - Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm

Prompt - What you wish the mail was during the snow season

Enter - Come on in

Windows - What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below

Screen - What is a must during black fly season

Chip - What you munch during a football games

Microchip - What's left in the bag when the normal chips are gone

Modem - What you did to your fields last July

Dot Matrix - Eino Matrix's wife

Laptop - Where the grandkids sit

Keyboard - Where you're supposed to put the keys so the wife can find them

Software - Plastic picnic utensils

Mouse - What leaves those little turds in the cupboard

Mainframe - The part of the house that holds up the roof

Port - Where the commercial fishing boats dock

Random Access Memory - When you can't remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when wife asks about it

a microsoft christmas
 
 
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com--

Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds he's a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through,

It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!

The above document was written by Chet Raymo.

life of computer lamer
 
 
July 18
I just tried to connect to America online, which I've heard is the best online service I can get. I can't connect, I don't know what is wrong.

July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 20
I bought the modem, I couldn't figure out where it goes though, it wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 21
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.

July 22
The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He's so smart.

July 23
What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I'm confused.

July 24
The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.

July 25
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 26
I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.

July 27
These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

July 28
I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.

July 29
I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasn't sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.

July 30
I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didn't know spiders grew that large.

July 31
The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasn't sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.

August 1
Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didn't have to use profanity.

August 2
I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited, I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.

August 3
I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.

August 4
I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an "aol" is, however.

August 5
I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I cant find that group.

August 6
Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.


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