computer jokes jokes

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
________________________________
________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem
accurately:
________________________________
________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause
of the problem:
________________________________
________________________________

4. Problem Severity:
   A. Minor   __
   B. Minor   __
   C. Minor   __
   D. Trivial __

5. Nature of the problem:
   A. Locked Up     __
   B. Frozen        __
   C. Hung          __
   D. Strange Smell __

6. Is your computer plugged in?
   Yes __
   No  __

7. Is it turned on?
   Yes __
   No  __

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
   Yes __
   No  __

9. Have you made it worse?
   Yes __

10. Have you had a friend who knows
all about computers.  Try to fix it
for you?

Yes __  No __

11. Did they make it even worse?

Yes __

12. Have you read the manual?

Yes __ No __

13. Are you sure you've read the manual?

Maybe __ No __

14. Are you absolutely you've
read the manual?

No __

15. If you read the manual, do you think
you understood it?

Yes __ No __

16. If Yes, then explain why you can't
fix the problem yourself.

________________________________
________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer
at the time the problem occurred?

________________________________
________________________________

l8. If you answered nothing, then explain
why you were logged in?
________________________________
________________________________

l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining
the problem?

Yes __ No __

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink
12:00?

Yes __ What's a VCR? __

21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies?

Yes __ No __

22. Do you have any independent witnesses
to the problem?

Yes __ No __

23. Do you have any electronics products
that DO work?

Yes __ No __

24. Is there anyone else you could blame
this problem on?

Yes __ No __

25. Have you given the machine a good whack
on the top?

Yes __ No __

26. Is the machine on fire?

Yes __ Not Yet __

27. Can you do something else instead of
bothering me?

Yes __

Gender and Computers

Top nine reasons computers must be male:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
7. The lights are on but nobody's home.
8. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
9. Size does matter

Top nine reasons computers must be female:

1. Picky, picky, picky.
2. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
3. Beauty is only shell deep.
4. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
5. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
6. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
7. Smalltalk is important.
8. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
9. They make you take the garbage out.

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

"So, how is everything going?" God asked.

Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?

"That was the demo," replied God.