funny thoughts jokes

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?

Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!

Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. What are they doing? Cramming for finals?

Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Did Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!"

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?