funny thoughts jokes

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

So what's the speed of dark?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. What are they doing? Cramming for finals?

Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Did Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!"

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?