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drink too much coffee
You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .

  1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

  2. You ski uphill.

  3. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

  4. You speed walk in your sleep.

  5. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

  6. You answer the door before people knock.

  7. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

  8. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

  9. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

  10. You sleep with your eyes open.

  11. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

  12. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

  13. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

  14. You lick your coffeepot clean.

  15. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

  16. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

  17. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

  18. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

  19. You chew on other people's fingernails.

  20. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

  21. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."

  22. Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

  23. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

  24. You can jump-start your car without cables.

  25. Cocaine is a downer.

  26. All your kids are named "Joe."

  27. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.

  28. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

  29. You don't sweat, you percolate.

  30. You buy milk by the barrel.

  31. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

  32. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

  33. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

  34. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

  35. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

  36. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

  37. People get dizzy just watching you.

  38. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."

  39. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

  40. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

  41. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

  42. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

  43. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

  44. People can test their batteries in your ears.

  45. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

  46. Instant coffee takes too long.

  47. You channel surf faster without a remote.

  48. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

  49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can

  50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

  51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil

  52. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

  53. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

  54. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

  55. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

  56. You get drunk just so you can sober up.

  57. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

  58. Your Thermos is on wheels.

  59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

  60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

  61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

  62. You short out motion detectors.

  63. You have a conniption over spilled milk.

  64. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

  65. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

  66. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

  67. You don't tan, you roast.

  68. You don't get mad, you get steamed.

  69. Your three favorite things in life before and coffee after.

  70. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

  71. You can't even remember your second cup.

  72. You help your dog chase its tail.

  73. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

  74. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

  75. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

  76. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

  77. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

know because of tv
Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV

  1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

  2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

  3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

  4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

  5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

  6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

  7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

  8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.

  9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

  10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

  11. People of TV never finish their drinks.

  12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

  13. The chief of police is always black.

  14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

  15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

  16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

  17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

  18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

  19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

  20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

  21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

  22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

  23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

  24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

  25. All single women have a cat.

  26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

  27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

  28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

  29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

  30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"

  31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

  32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

  33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

  34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

  35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

  36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

  37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

  38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

  39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

  40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

  41. You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.

  42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

  43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

  44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

  45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

  46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

  47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.

  48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

  49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

  50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

reasons to work late
1. Act out your version of a company takeover.

2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".

3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".

6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.

7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.

8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.

9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

10. Elevator surfing!

how cold is it outside?
How Cold Is Cold?

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 Miami residents turn on the heat

40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming

35 Italian cars don't start

32 Water freezes

30 You plan your vacation to Australia

25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming

20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 American cars don't start

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start

-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start

-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

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