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don't buy women this
 
 
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

don't say to security
 
 
The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Security Guard When Caught Stealing Coins From A Mall Fountain

  1. "Isn't there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?"

  2. I'm searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel."

  3. "DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!"

  4. "Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?"

  5. "Thanks idiot...I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!"

  6. "Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down a spiral ramp!"

  7. "I'm at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter."

  8. "I'm trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife wannabe!"

  9. "See..I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous sponsor and that's why I'm stealing the quarters in the fountain. I NEED HELP MAN!!!"

  10. "Ummmm...I'm looking for beer money?"

excuses for speeding
 
 
The Top Bad Excuses For Speeding

  1. "This is my tryout for Nascar."

  2. "I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."

  3. "That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"

  4. "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."

  5. "Cause those Gorditas rule."

  6. "Uh-Oh..Wapner's on...I'm an excellent driver."

  7. "Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."

  8. "Umm..I'm drunk?"

  9. "Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"

time to do the laundry
 
 
The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry

  1. You're wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.

  2. You've worn your sheets to school because you can't get them off of you.

  3. Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.

  4. Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie "Outbreak" to avoid catching the Ebola virus.

  5. The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.

  6. The DEA's drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.

  7. Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.

  8. The phrase "Wash Me" is visibly written in your jeans.

  9. Your red T-shirt is now green.

  10. The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company's casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.


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