top ten lists jokes

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heard at a tax office
 
 
The Top 10 Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer's Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline

  1. No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.

  2. I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!

  3. How cute... a tax form done in crayon.

  4. No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.

  5. Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.

  6. No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.

  7. Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense.

  8. I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.

  9. I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.

  10. Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!

you're stressed when
 
 
You Know You're Too Stressed If...

  1. You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.

  2. The Sun is too loud.

  3. Trees begin to chase you.

  4. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

  5. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

  6. You can hear mimes.

  7. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

  8. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

  9. Things become "Very Clear."

  10. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

  11. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

  12. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.

  13. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

  14. You and Reality file for divorce.

  15. You can skip without a rope.

  16. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

  17. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

  18. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

  19. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

  20. You can travel without moving. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

  21. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

  22. Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

  23. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

things dad won't say
 
 
Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say

  1. Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

  2. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

  3. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.

  4. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

  5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.



  6. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

  7. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

  8. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

  9. Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that-it's no big deal.

tell him that he's stupid
 
 
Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

  1. A few crumbs short of a crouton.

  2. A few clowns short of a circus.

  3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

  4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

  5. A few beers short of a six-pack.

  6. A few peas short of a casserole.

  7. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

  8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

  9. One taco short of a combination plate.

  10. A few feathers short of a whole duck

  11. All foam, no beer.

  12. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

  13. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instruc- tions on the heel.

  14. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

  15. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

  16. As smart as bait.

  17. Chimney's clogged.

  18. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

  19. Elevator doesn't go all th eway to the top floor.

  20. Forgot to pay her brain bill.

  21. Her sewing machine's out of thread.

  22. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

  23. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

  24. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

  25. Has the intelligence of a Carrot.


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