top ten lists jokes

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
   
   
2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
   
   
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
   
   
4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
   
   
5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
   
   
6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
   
   
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
   
   
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
   
   
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
   
   
10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
    
    
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
    
    
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
    
    
13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
    
    
14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
    
    
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
    
    
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
    
    
17. Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
    
    
18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
    
    
19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
    
    
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
    
    
21. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
    
    
22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
    
    
23. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
    
    
24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
    
    
25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
    
    

Useless Inventions

1. Non stick Cellotape
   
   
2. Solar Powered Flash Light
   
   
3. A black highlighter pen
   
   
4. Glow in the dark sunglasses
   
   
5. Inflatable Anchor
   
   
6. Smooth Sandpaper
   
   
7. Waterproof sponge
   
   
8. Waterproof Teabags
   
   
9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
   
   
10. Fireproof Matches
    
    
11. Fireproof Cigarettes
    
    
12. Battery powered Battery Charger
    
    
13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
    
    
14. Hand powered Chainsaw
    
    
15. Inflatable Dartboard
    
    
16. Silent Alarm Clock
    
    
17. A Pedal powered wheelchair
    
    
18. Braille Drivers Manual
    
    
19. Double sided playing cards
    
    
20. Ejector seats for Helicopters
    
    

Gas Prices vs ?

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

1. - Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
   
   
2. - Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
   
   
3. - Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
   
   
4. - Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
   
   
5. - Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
   
   
6. - Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
   
   
7. - STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
   
   
8. - Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
   
   
9. - Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
   
   
10. - Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
    
    
11. - Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon
    
    

So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

The Top Don'ts At The Office Christmas Party

1. Don't go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he's fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.
   
   
2. Don't put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.
   
   
3. Don't offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.
   
   
4. Don't call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just so you could throw this party in the first place.
   
   
5. Don't chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.
   
   
6. Don't tell your boss that you're the one that runs the company.