top ten lists jokes

annoying those waiters

From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.

wrong kid is mowing

Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn

He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
No toes.

all of life's annoyances

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

bad to hear in surgery

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again?
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

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