top ten lists jokes

by Tina Mancuso and Paul Coen
10. Watch the bag fill.

9. Hyperventilate.

8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.

7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).

6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.

5. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.

4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.

3. Faint.

2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.

1. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"

From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.

The Top 10 Reasons Disney Delayed Launching Their Cruise Line

1. Pluto's "accident" on Deck 3
   
   
2. Room service using Aladdin was getting out of hand.
   
   
3. Exterminator killed off "rat" problem only to discover they were Mickey and Minnie's cousins.
   
   
4. Drunken dispute between Donald and The Mighty Ducks over who was mightier.
   
   
5. Charo kept showing up.
   
   
6. The Beast from "Beauty and the Beast" kept eating the midnight buffet.
   
   
7. The Seven Dwarfs vandalized the ship after failing to meet the "You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride" Requirements.
   
   
8. Stench of seawater and 101 Dalmations was too strong.
   
   
9. Tour guide Goofy goes into drunken rampage and uses Chip and Dale as Shuffleboard discs.
   
   
10. New hires Doc,Isaac,and Gopher quit days before launch,citing that this job is not as "exciting and new" as their last one.
    
    

The Top 10 Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy

1. Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.
   
   
2. His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"
   
   
3. Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.
   
   
4. Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.
   
   
5. He...ummm..licks his tools clean.
   
   
6. Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.
   
   
7. When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.
   
   
8. Wears a necklace made of human teeth.
   
   
9. Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.
   
   
10. Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.