make life simpler tips
Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler
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- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
- Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
- Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
- Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
- No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
- Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
- If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
- Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
true internet addiction
You Are Maliciously Internet Addicted When:
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- You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
- Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
- Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
- You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
- You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
- You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.
- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
- All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...
- And even your night dreams are in HTML.
- You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
- You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
- Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
- You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
- When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
- Your pet has its own home page.
- You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
- You can't call your grandmother..... she doesn't have a modem.
- You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
- You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
- Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
- You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
- You don't know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
- Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
- You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
- You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
- You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
- You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
- You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
- Your friends no longer send you e-mail.... they just log on to your IRC channel.
- You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
- Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
- You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
- You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."
- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
- You forget what year it is.
- You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
- You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
- You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
- You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited".
- You turn on your computer and... turn off your significant other.
- Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
good to be american
Top ten reasosn why it's great to be American
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- You can have a woman president without electing her
- You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
- You can call Budweiser beer
- You can be a crook and still be president
- If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
- If you can breathe you can get a gun
- You can invent a new public holiday every year
- You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
- You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
- You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
- You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.
top valujet slogans
Top Twenty New Slogans for Valuejet Airlines
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- ValueJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
- ValueJet: We're Amtrak with wings.
- Join our frequent near-miss program.
- On flights, every section is a smoking section.
- Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
- Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
- Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
- Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
- Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
- The kids will love our inflatable slides.
- You think it's so easy, get your own plane!
- Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
- Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
- ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.
- ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
- Bring a bathing suit.
- Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
- That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
- Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God.
- ValueJet: A real man lands where he wants to.
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