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top ten error messages
 
 
The Top 10 Good Error Messages On The Brand New $7000 Computer You Just Bought

  1. "That URL was not found because frankly, I didn' try hard enough."

  2. "If you continue to type that way, you'll get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."

  3. "The Server is not really down, its just mildly depressed."

  4. "Normally, I would complain but I'll let that rough disk insertion slide this time."

  5. "Don't worry, I'll clean up that beer stain."

  6. "Its not a virus...its a STD(System Transmitted Disease)."

  7. "Remember Einstein, its point then click, point then click."

  8. "That General Protection Fault is not yours."

  9. "You're using MS Word 5.0 and that's a weenie version so why don't I upgrade you for free?"

  10. "I hate to tell you this but you have already seen that version of the Pamela Anderson video... may I suggest another?"

tv beats the www
 
 
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

bad hostage negotiator
 
 
Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker:

  1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

  2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

  3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.

  4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.

  5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

  6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

  7. Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

  8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.

  9. Forget your gun at home.

  10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".

  11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.

As Negotiator:

  1. Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.

  2. When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"

  3. When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.

  4. Show up stoned and do anything at all.

  5. When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"

  6. Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.

  7. Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.

  8. Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.

  9. Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.

  10. When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."

too many y2k fears
 
 
Signs You Took Y2K Too Serious

  1. You didn't find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.

  2. You don't have to go to the grocery store for a year.

  3. You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!

  4. You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.

  5. You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.

  6. You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one & five dollar bills.

  7. You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.

  8. You were depressed because nothing happened !!


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