top ten lists jokes

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top ten lists


others using e-mail
 
 
10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"

9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.

8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.

7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"

6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.

4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.

3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.

2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

never hear women say
 
 
Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say

  1. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

  2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

  3. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

  4. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!

  5. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

  6. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

  7. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

terrorize telemarketer
 
 
Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

  1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

  2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

  3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

  4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

  5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

  6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

  7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

  8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

  9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

  10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

good to be canadian
 
 
Top reasons why it's great to be Canadian

  1. It beats being an American.

  2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

  3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

  4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

  5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

  6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

  7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

  8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins

  9. Own-an-eskimo scheme.

  10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground


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