top ten lists jokes

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
   
   
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
   
   
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
   
   
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
   
   
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
   
   
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
   
   
7. Shave.
   
   
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
   
   
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
   
   
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
    
    
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
    
    
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
    
    
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
    
    
14. One word: Flatulence!
    
    
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
    
    
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
    
    
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
    
    
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
    
    
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
    
    
20. Meow occassionally.
    
    
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
    
    
22. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
    
    
23. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
    
    
24. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
    
    
25. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
    
    
26. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
    
    
27. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
    
    
28. Leave a box between the doors.
    
    
29. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
    
    
30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
    
    
31. Start a sing-along.
    
    
32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
    
    
33. Play the harmonica.
    
    
34. Shadow box.
    
    
35. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
    
    
36. Lean against the button panel.
    
    
37. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
    
    
38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
    
    
39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
    
    
40. Bring a chair along.
    
    
41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
    
    
42. Blow spit bubbles.
    
    
43. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
    
    
44. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
    
    
45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
    
    
46. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
    
    
47. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
    
    
48. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
    
    
49. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
    
    

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"

9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.

8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.

7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"

6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.

4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.

3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.

2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Top reasons why it's great to be Canadian

1. It beats being an American.
   
   
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
   
   
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
   
   
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
   
   
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
   
   
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
   
   
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
   
   
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
   
   
9. Own-an-eskimo scheme.
   
   
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground