top ten lists jokes

"Top Ten Signs You Are 'Burned Out' Because of Work"

1. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
   
   
2. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
   
   
3. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
   
   
4. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
   
   
5. You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.
   
   
6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.
   
   
7. You sleep more at work than at home.
   
   
8. You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
   
   
9. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
   
   
10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
    
    

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
   
   
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
   
   
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
   
   
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
   
   
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
   
   
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
   
   
7. Shave.
   
   
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
   
   
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
   
   
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
    
    
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
    
    
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
    
    
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
    
    
14. One word: Flatulence!
    
    
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
    
    
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
    
    
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
    
    
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
    
    
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
    
    
20. Meow occassionally.
    
    
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
    
    
22. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
    
    
23. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
    
    
24. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
    
    
25. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
    
    
26. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
    
    
27. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
    
    
28. Leave a box between the doors.
    
    
29. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
    
    
30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
    
    
31. Start a sing-along.
    
    
32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
    
    
33. Play the harmonica.
    
    
34. Shadow box.
    
    
35. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
    
    
36. Lean against the button panel.
    
    
37. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
    
    
38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
    
    
39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
    
    
40. Bring a chair along.
    
    
41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
    
    
42. Blow spit bubbles.
    
    
43. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
    
    
44. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
    
    
45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
    
    
46. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
    
    
47. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
    
    
48. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
    
    
49. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
    
    

The Top 10 Signs Your Broker Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash

1. "He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge."
   
   
2. "He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused."
   
   
3. "He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift."
   
   
4. "I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak."
   
   
5. There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."
   
   
6. "He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?"
   
   
7. "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange"
   
   
8. "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."
   
   
9. "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."
   
   
10. "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."
    
    

10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.