top ten lists jokes

The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home

1. Its named Heaven's Waiting Room.
   
   
2. Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.
   
   
3. Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.
   
   
4. Its named Matlock Manor.
   
   
5. No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.
   
   
6. Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.
   
   
7. You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall.
   
   
8. Rectal thermometers made of wood.
   
   
9. Two words: Community Bedpan.
   
   

Top Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral

1. Geez, what died in here?
   
   
2. He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
   
   
3. Nice service...where's the keg?
   
   
4. When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
   
   
5. Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.
   
   
6. Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
   
   
7. You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
   
   
8. Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.
   
   

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

The Top 10 Reasons Not To Stay in West Virginia

1. Contrary to what the lousy song says, Country Roads do NOT always take you home.
   
   
2. You dream of a life that will involve a paved road.
   
   
3. You grow tired of tourists stopping by, asking for directions to the state of "South Virginia", and driving off in a fit of laughter.
   
   
4. You're stuck with AM Radio...AM COUNTRY radio.
   
   
5. You've grown tired of seeing the group "Glass Tiger" at the local Acorn Festival each year.
   
   
6. The sheep won't take your "abuse" anymore and they are planning a revolt.
   
   
7. Hayrides are still limited to just 10 mph.
   
   
8. The local theatre's performance of "Les Miserables" left something, no A LOT, to be desired.
   
   
9. You've had it with those pesky revenuers destroying your stills of "shine".
   
   
10. No matter how hard you try, your cows don't appear receptive to chasing or catching that Frisbee.