top ten lists jokes

The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie

1. We know where you live.
   
   
2. You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
   
   
3. Everyone's meal today is on you!
   
   
4. The "special sauce" came from the floor!
   
   
5. Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
   
   
6. Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
   
   
7. A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
   
   
8. Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.
   
   
9. See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
   
   
10. MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus....maybe
    
    

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.

20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.

Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker:

1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
   
   
2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
   
   
3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.
   
   
4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
   
   
5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
   
   
6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
   
   
7. Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
   
   
8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
   
   
9. Forget your gun at home.
   
   
10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
    
    
11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.
    
    

As Negotiator:

1. Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
   
   
2. When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"
   
   
3. When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
   
   
4. Show up stoned and do anything at all.
   
   
5. When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"
   
   
6. Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
   
   
7. Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
   
   
8. Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
   
   
9. Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
   
   
10. When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."
    
    

Signs You Took Y2K Too Serious

1. You didn't find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.
   
   
2. You don't have to go to the grocery store for a year.
   
   
3. You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!
   
   
4. You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.
   
   
5. You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.
   
   
6. You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one & five dollar bills.
   
   
7. You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.
   
   
8. You were depressed because nothing happened !!