top ten lists jokes

The Top Signs That You've Hired A Bad Private Eye

1. Considers reading "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" actually helpful reasearch.
   
   
2. He has a pet basset hound named "Flash" that acts as his trusty assistant.
   
   
3. His best disguise is wearing a hat.
   
   
4. Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.
   
   
5. Won't read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.
   
   
6. Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from "Murder She Wrote" when he thinks he's caught the suspect.
   
   
7. Well, he's blind.
   
   

The Top 10 Good Error Messages On The Brand New $7000 Computer You Just Bought

1. "That URL was not found because frankly, I didn' try hard enough."
   
   
2. "If you continue to type that way, you'll get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."
   
   
3. "The Server is not really down, its just mildly depressed."
   
   
4. "Normally, I would complain but I'll let that rough disk insertion slide this time."
   
   
5. "Don't worry, I'll clean up that beer stain."
   
   
6. "Its not a virus...its a STD(System Transmitted Disease)."
   
   
7. "Remember Einstein, its point then click, point then click."
   
   
8. "That General Protection Fault is not yours."
   
   
9. "You're using MS Word 5.0 and that's a weenie version so why don't I upgrade you for free?"
   
   
10. "I hate to tell you this but you have already seen that version of the Pamela Anderson video... may I suggest another?"
    
    

The Top 10 Things To Check The Salad Bar Before You Load Your Plate Up

1. Anything that's moving.
   
   
2. Green Carrots.
   
   
3. Moldy Croutons.
   
   
4. Body parts.
   
   
5. Blood in the French Dressing.
   
   
6. A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.
   
   
7. I've seen the movie...they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!
   
   
8. Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.
   
   
9. How should I put this...let's just that the sneeze guard didn't do its job and there's something phlegm related in the radishes.
   
   
10. The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.
    
    

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.