top ten lists jokes

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.

20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
   
   
2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
   
   
3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
   
   
4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
   
   
5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
   
   
6. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
   
   
7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
   
   
8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
   
   

You Are Maliciously Internet Addicted When:

1. You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
   
   
2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
   
   
3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
   
   
4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
   
   
5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
   
   
6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.
   
   
7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
   
   
8. All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...
   
   
9. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
   
   
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
    
    
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
    
    
12. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
    
    
13. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
    
    
14. When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
    
    
15. Your pet has its own home page.
    
    
16. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
    
    
17. You can't call your grandmother..... she doesn't have a modem.
    
    
18. You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
    
    
19. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
    
    
20. You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
    
    
21. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
    
    
22. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
    
    
23. You don't know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
    
    
24. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
    
    
25. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
    
    
26. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
    
    
27. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
    
    
28. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
    
    
29. You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
    
    
30. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
    
    
31. Your friends no longer send you e-mail.... they just log on to your IRC channel.
    
    
32. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
    
    
33. Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
    
    
34. You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
    
    
35. You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."
    
    
36. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
    
    
37. You forget what year it is.
    
    
38. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
    
    
39. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
    
    
40. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
    
    
41. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited".
    
    
42. You turn on your computer and... turn off your significant other.
    
    
43. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
    
    

Things To Think About Our Government:

1. 29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.
   
   
2. 7 Have been arrested for fraud.
   
   
3. 19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.
   
   
4. 117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.
   
   
5. 3 Have been arrested for assault.
   
   
6. 71 Have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card.
   
   
7. 14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.
   
   
8. 8 Have been arrested for shoplifting,
   
   
9. 21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.
   
   
10. 84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.