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never hear a man say
 
 
Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

  1. Here honey, you use the remote.

  2. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

  3. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

  4. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

  5. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

  6. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

  7. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.

  8. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

  9. We never talk anymore

signs of the 2000's
 
 
Signs Of The 2000's

  1. Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.

  2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

  4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

  5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

  6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

  7. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

  8. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

  9. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

  10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

  11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

  12. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

  13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

  14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

  15. Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.

  16. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

  17. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

  18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

  19. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

  20. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

  21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

  22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

  23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

  24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

  25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

  26. By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.

  27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

  28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

  29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

  30. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

thinnest books around
 
 
Thinnest Books

  1. The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton

  2. The Amish Phone Directory

  3. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette

  4. George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names

  5. French Hospitality

  6. Everything Women Know About Men

  7. Everything Men Know About Women

  8. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches

  9. Different Ways To Spell Bob

  10. Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors

  11. America's Most Popular Lawyers

  12. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean

  13. The Wild Years-By Al Gore

  14. Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman

  15. Human Rights Advances In China

  16. To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres

  17. The Engineer's Guide To Fashion

  18. My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson

  19. How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr.

true internet addiction
 
 
You Are Maliciously Internet Addicted When:

  1. You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.

  2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

  3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

  4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

  5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

  6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.

  7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

  8. All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...

  9. And even your night dreams are in HTML.

  10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.

  11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

  12. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

  13. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

  14. When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

  15. Your pet has its own home page.

  16. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.

  17. You can't call your grandmother..... she doesn't have a modem.

  18. You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

  19. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

  20. You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

  21. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

  22. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

  23. You don't know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

  24. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

  25. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.

  26. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

  27. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

  28. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

  29. You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

  30. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

  31. Your friends no longer send you e-mail.... they just log on to your IRC channel.

  32. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

  33. Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

  34. You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

  35. You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."

  36. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

  37. You forget what year it is.

  38. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

  39. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

  40. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".

  41. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited".

  42. You turn on your computer and... turn off your significant other.

  43. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.


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