never hear a man say
Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:
- Here honey, you use the remote.
- You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
- Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
- While I'm up, can I get you anything?
- Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
- Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
- Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
- Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
- We never talk anymore
signs of the 2000's
Signs Of The 2000's
- Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
- I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
thinnest books around
Thinnest Books
- The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton
- The Amish Phone Directory
- Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
- George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names
- French Hospitality
- Everything Women Know About Men
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
- Different Ways To Spell Bob
- Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
- America's Most Popular Lawyers
- Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
- The Wild Years-By Al Gore
- Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman
- Human Rights Advances In China
- To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres
- The Engineer's Guide To Fashion
- My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson
- How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr.
true internet addiction
You Are Maliciously Internet Addicted When:
- You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
- Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
- Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
- You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
- You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
- You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.
- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
- All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...
- And even your night dreams are in HTML.
- You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
- You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
- Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
- You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
- When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
- Your pet has its own home page.
- You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
- You can't call your grandmother..... she doesn't have a modem.
- You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
- You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
- Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
- You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
- You don't know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
- Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
- You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
- You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
- You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
- You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
- You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
- Your friends no longer send you e-mail.... they just log on to your IRC channel.
- You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
- Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
- You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
- You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."
- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
- You forget what year it is.
- You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
- You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
- You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
- You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited".
- You turn on your computer and... turn off your significant other.
- Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
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