top ten lists jokes

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top ten lists


you from new york?
 
 
Signs You're from New York

  1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

  2. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.

  3. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

  4. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

  5. The homeless are invisible.

  6. The subway makes sense.

  7. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.

  8. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

  9. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

  10. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".

  11. Your door has more than three locks.

  12. You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.

  13. Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.

  14. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

  15. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

  16. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.

  17. You complain about having to mow it.

  18. You are a skee-ball juggernaut.

  19. You consider Westchester "Upstate".

  20. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.

cards not in hallmark
 
 
Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark

  1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

  2. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

  3. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

  4. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."

  5. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

  6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

  7. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

  8. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

  9. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"

  10. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

  11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

  12. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

  13. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

  14. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

  15. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

  16. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

  17. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

  18. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

  19. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

  20. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."

  21. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)

excuses for sleeping
 
 
Excuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work

  1. They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

  2. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

  3. I was working smarter - not harder.

  4. Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.

  5. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

  6. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

  7. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

  8. I'm in the management training program.

  9. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

  10. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

  11. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

  12. No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

  13. The coffee machine is broken....

  14. Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

  15. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

  16. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

  17. I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.

  18. The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

  19. Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.

  20. I'm just resting my eyes.

internet crime heroes
 
 
The Top 10 Superheroes Needed To Fight Cybercrime

  1. Inspector Gadget

  2. Chief Wiggum from the Simpsons

  3. Captain America On Line

  4. The Wonder Barbi Twins

  5. The Silver Surfer

  6. The XXX Men(they handle strictly cyber porn)

  7. Up in the sky, wearing glasses, a big letter E on his chest and a "Nets"cape, its Bill Gates as GEEKMAN!!!

  8. DBase Ventura

  9. Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby with the Mystery Machine( Jinkies, there goes another hacker!!)

  10. Who else knows the web better than Spiderman???


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