you from new york?
Signs You're from New York
- You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
- You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
- You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
- You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
- The homeless are invisible.
- The subway makes sense.
- The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
- You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
- You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
- You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
- Your door has more than three locks.
- You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.
- Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
- The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
- You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
- You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
- You complain about having to mow it.
- You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
- You consider Westchester "Upstate".
- You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.
excuses for sleeping
Excuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work
- They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
- This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
- I was working smarter - not harder.
- Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
- I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
- This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
- I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
- I'm in the management training program.
- I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
- This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
- I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
- No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
- The coffee machine is broken....
- Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
- Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
- Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
- I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
- The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
- Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
- I'm just resting my eyes.
cards not in hallmark
Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark
- "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
- "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
- "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
- "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
- "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
- "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
- "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
- "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
- "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
- "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
- "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
- "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
- "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
- "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
- "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
- "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
- "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
- "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
- "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
- "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
- "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)
internet crime heroes
The Top 10 Superheroes Needed To Fight Cybercrime
- Inspector Gadget
- Chief Wiggum from the Simpsons
- Captain America On Line
- The Wonder Barbi Twins
- The Silver Surfer
- The XXX Men(they handle strictly cyber porn)
- Up in the sky, wearing glasses, a big letter E on his chest and a "Nets"cape, its Bill Gates as GEEKMAN!!!
- DBase Ventura
- Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby with the Mystery Machine( Jinkies, there goes another hacker!!)
- Who else knows the web better than Spiderman???
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