dogs not on computers
Why Dogs Don't Use Computers
- Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
- Fetch command not available on all platforms.
- Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
- Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
- Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
- Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
- Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
- Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
- Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
- Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
- Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
- SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
- SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
- Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
- Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
- Too Hard To Type With Paws.
you an internet addict?
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
- Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
- Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
- You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
- Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
- You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
- All of your friends have an @ in their names.
- When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
- Your dog has its own home page.
- You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
- Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
- You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
- You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
- Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months
- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
- You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
- Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
- You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
- The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
- You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
- Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
- As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
aol as an entire city
If AOL Were A City...
- You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
- You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
- Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
- The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
- The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
- The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
- If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
- Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
- Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
- You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
- You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
- The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.
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