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dogs not on computers
Why Dogs Don't Use Computers

  1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

  2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

  3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

  4. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

  5. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

  6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

  7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing instead of working.

  8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

  9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

  10. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

  11. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

  12. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

  13. Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

  14. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

  15. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

  16. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

  17. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

  18. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup,'s.leg.

  19. Too Hard To Type With Paws.

you an internet addict?
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...

  1. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

  2. Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

  3. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

  4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

  5. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

  6. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

  7. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

  8. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

  9. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

  10. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

  11. Your dog has its own home page.

  12. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

  13. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

  14. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

  15. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

  16. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

  17. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months

  18. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

  19. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

  20. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

  21. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

  22. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

  23. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

  24. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

  25. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

  26. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

  27. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

aol as an entire city
If AOL Were A City...

  1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

  2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

  3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

  4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

  5. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.

  6. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.

  7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."

  8. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."

  9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

  10. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.

  11. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.

  12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

you're no longer cool
You Are No Longer "Cool" When

  1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.

  2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

  3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

  4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

  5. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

  6. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

  7. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

  8. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

  9. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

  10. When jogging is something you do to your memory.

  11. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

  12. All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

  13. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

  14. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

  15. You actually ASK for your father's advice.

  16. You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

  17. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

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