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bad hostage negotiator
 
 
Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker:

  1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

  2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

  3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.

  4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.

  5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

  6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

  7. Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

  8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.

  9. Forget your gun at home.

  10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".

  11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.

As Negotiator:

  1. Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.

  2. When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"

  3. When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.

  4. Show up stoned and do anything at all.

  5. When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"

  6. Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.

  7. Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.

  8. Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.

  9. Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.

  10. When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."

you're a bad customer
 
 
You Might Be A Bad Customer If:

  1. You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.

  2. You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.

  3. You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.

  4. You return the coffee because it's too hot.

  5. You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).

  6. You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.

  7. You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years.

  8. If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20

  9. You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.

  10. You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.

  11. You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.

  12. While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"

  13. You dare ask for a discount at a resturaunt because your kids didn't like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.

  14. You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.

  15. You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)

adults learn from kids
 
 
Things Adults Learn From Kids:

  1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

  2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

  3. A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

  4. 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

  5. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

  6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

  7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

  8. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

  9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

  10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

  11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.

  12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

  13. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

  14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

  15. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

  16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

  17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

  18. Duplos will not.

  19. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

  20. Super glue is forever.

  21. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

  22. Ditto Tarzan.

  23. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

  24. Pool filters do not like Jello.

  25. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

  26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

  27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

  28. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

  29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

  30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

  31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

  32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

  33. It will however make cats dizzy.

  34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

  35. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

  36. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

to do in space station
 
 
The Top 10 Things To Do While Confined In A Space Station

  1. Roll down the window and throw beer cans at passing satellites.

  2. Play some rather boring games of Solitaire.

  3. Try to bust that myth of Lays Potato Chips: Betcha Can't Eat Just One!



  4. Come up with as many wacky Top 10 List Topics as possible so Top 10 Boy will have work to do into the New Year.

  5. When the NASA camera is off, dance around to "Blue Jean" by David Bowie while wearing just your space helmet.

  6. Do what everyone else does, write out all of your postcards..mail them when you get home.

  7. Don't move, don't touch anything and if you break something, know that you will be blamed mercilessly for it and shunned by society to a Gulag in a remote part of Northern Siberia (Russian Space Station only).

  8. Access www.spacebabes.com on NASA's computer instead of doing those meaningless space experiments.

  9. Call Martian Escort Service..hope like hell they take American Express.

  10. Watch All of Pauly Shore's movies...try to find examples of humor, plot and a reason for making it.


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