top ten lists jokes

You Know You're In California When...

1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
   
   
2. You were born somewhere else.
   
   
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
   
   
4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
   
   
5. Your car has bulletproof windows.
   
   
6. Left is right and right is wrong.
   
   
7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
   
   
8. Your mouse has only one ball.
   
   
9. You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
   
   
10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
    
    
11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
    
    
12. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
    
    
13. Your family tree contains 'significant others'.
    
    
14. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
    
    
15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
    
    
16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
    
    
17. More than clothes come out of the closets.
    
    
18. When 'the Dead' are best live.
    
    
19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
    
    
20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
    
    
21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
    
    
22. Smoking in your office is not optional.
    
    
23. When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.
    
    
24. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
    
    
25. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
    
    
26. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
    
    
27. You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
    
    
28. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
    
    
29. When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'.
    
    
30. All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.
    
    
31. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
    
    

The Top 10 Signs That Santa Has Been Drinking

1. While your child is on his lap, he tells them they're not getting his Bud Light.
   
   
2. You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathlyzer.
   
   
3. Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!
   
   
4. You don't remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.
   
   
5. Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.
   
   
6. After each child, he has a Jello Shot.
   
   
7. This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
   
   
8. He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can't find the tree.
   
   
9. Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer...he just grumbles and says "Awww...just get going!"
   
   

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.

8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.

7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.

6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."

5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.

4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.

3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."

2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.

1. Two words: catapulting teacups.