top ten lists jokes

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.

8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.

7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.

6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."

5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.

4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.

3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."

2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.

1. Two words: catapulting teacups.

You Might Be An Internet Addict If...

1. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
   
   
2. Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
   
   
3. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
   
   
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
   
   
5. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
   
   
6. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
   
   
7. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
   
   
8. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
   
   
9. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
   
   
10. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
    
    
11. Your dog has its own home page.
    
    
12. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
    
    
13. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
    
    
14. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
    
    
15. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
    
    
16. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
    
    
17. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months
    
    
18. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
    
    
19. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
    
    
20. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
    
    
21. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
    
    
22. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
    
    
23. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
    
    
24. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
    
    
25. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
    
    
26. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
    
    
27. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
    
    

You Know You're In California When...

1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
   
   
2. You were born somewhere else.
   
   
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
   
   
4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
   
   
5. Your car has bulletproof windows.
   
   
6. Left is right and right is wrong.
   
   
7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
   
   
8. Your mouse has only one ball.
   
   
9. You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
   
   
10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
    
    
11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
    
    
12. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
    
    
13. Your family tree contains 'significant others'.
    
    
14. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
    
    
15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
    
    
16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
    
    
17. More than clothes come out of the closets.
    
    
18. When 'the Dead' are best live.
    
    
19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
    
    
20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
    
    
21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
    
    
22. Smoking in your office is not optional.
    
    
23. When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.
    
    
24. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
    
    
25. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
    
    
26. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
    
    
27. You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
    
    
28. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
    
    
29. When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'.
    
    
30. All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.
    
    
31. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.