top ten lists jokes

The AOL Car

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
   
   
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
   
   
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
   
   
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
   
   
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
   
   
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
   
   
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
   
   
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
   
   
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
   
   
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
    
    
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
    
    
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
    
    
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
    
    
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
    
    
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
    
    
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
    
    
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
    
    
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
    
    
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
    
    
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
    
    
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
    
    

Signs Of The 2000's

1. Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.
   
   
2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
   
   
3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
   
   
4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
   
   
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
   
   
6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
   
   
7. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
   
   
8. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
   
   
9. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
   
   
10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
    
    
11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
    
    
12. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
    
    
13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
    
    
14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
    
    
15. Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
    
    
16. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
    
    
17. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
    
    
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
    
    
19. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
    
    
20. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
    
    
21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
    
    
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
    
    
23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
    
    
24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
    
    
25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
    
    
26. By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
    
    
27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
    
    
28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
    
    
29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
    
    
30. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
    
    

The Top 10 Things To Check The Salad Bar Before You Load Your Plate Up

1. Anything that's moving.
   
   
2. Green Carrots.
   
   
3. Moldy Croutons.
   
   
4. Body parts.
   
   
5. Blood in the French Dressing.
   
   
6. A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.
   
   
7. I've seen the movie...they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!
   
   
8. Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.
   
   
9. How should I put this...let's just that the sneeze guard didn't do its job and there's something phlegm related in the radishes.
   
   
10. The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.
    
    

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.

2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.

3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.

4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.

5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.

6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.

7. I will get rid of those cats.

8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.

9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).

10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.

11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.

12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.

13. I will share everything I eat with my master.

14. I will allow my master on the couch.

15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.

16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.

17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.

18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.

19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.

20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."

21. I will not cut my master's nails.

22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.

23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".

24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.

25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.

26. I will not bring home any more cats.



27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.

28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.

29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.

30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.

31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.

32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.

33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.

34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.

35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.

36. Dog bladders are not large.

37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.

38. I will not run out of treats.

39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.

40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.

41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.

42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.

43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.

44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.

45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.

46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.

47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.

48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.

49. I will always carry cookies and treats.

50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.

51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.

52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.

53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".

54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.

55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".