top ten lists jokes

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

1. Here honey, you use the remote.
   
   
2. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
   
   
3. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
   
   
4. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
   
   
5. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
   
   
6. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
   
   
7. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
   
   
8. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
   
   
9. We never talk anymore
   
   

Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn

1. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
   
   
2. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
   
   
3. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
   
   
4. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
   
   
5. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
   
   
6. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
   
   
7. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
   
   
8. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
   
   
9. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
   
   
10. No toes.
    
    

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
   
   
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
   
   
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
   
   
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
   
   
5. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
   
   
6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
   
   
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
   
   
8. There go the lights again?
   
   
9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
   
   
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
    
    
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
    
    
12. What's this doing here?
    
    
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
    
    
14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
    
    
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
    
    
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
    
    
17. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
    
    
18. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
    
    
19. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
    
    
20. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
    
    
21. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
    
    
22. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
    
    
23. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!