wrong kid is mowing
Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn
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- He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
- On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
- Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
- Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
- You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
- He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
- Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
- Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
- Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
- No toes.
bad to hear in surgery
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
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- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
- Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again?
- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
signs of the 2000's
Signs Of The 2000's
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- Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
- I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
top valujet slogans
Top Twenty New Slogans for Valuejet Airlines
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- ValueJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
- ValueJet: We're Amtrak with wings.
- Join our frequent near-miss program.
- On flights, every section is a smoking section.
- Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
- Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
- Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
- Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
- Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
- The kids will love our inflatable slides.
- You think it's so easy, get your own plane!
- Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
- Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
- ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.
- ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
- Bring a bathing suit.
- Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
- That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
- Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God.
- ValueJet: A real man lands where he wants to.
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