top ten lists jokes

Top Ten Television Shows in Iraq

1. "Husseinfeld"
   
   
2. "Mad About Everything"
   
   
3. "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
   
   
4. "Suddenly Sanctions"
   
   
5. "Allah McBeal"
   
   
6. "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
   
   
7. "Achmed's Creek"
   
   
8. "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
   
   
9. "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
   
   
10. "Just Shoot Me"
    
    

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.

9. Super glue is forever.

10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

17. It will however make cats dizzy.

18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

The Top Signs That You've Hired A Bad Private Eye

1. Considers reading "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" actually helpful reasearch.
   
   
2. He has a pet basset hound named "Flash" that acts as his trusty assistant.
   
   
3. His best disguise is wearing a hat.
   
   
4. Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.
   
   
5. Won't read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.
   
   
6. Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from "Murder She Wrote" when he thinks he's caught the suspect.
   
   
7. Well, he's blind.
   
   

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
   
   
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
   
   
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
   
   
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
   
   
5. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
   
   
6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
   
   
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
   
   
8. There go the lights again?
   
   
9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
   
   
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
    
    
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
    
    
12. What's this doing here?
    
    
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
    
    
14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
    
    
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
    
    
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
    
    
17. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
    
    
18. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
    
    
19. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
    
    
20. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
    
    
21. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
    
    
22. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
    
    
23. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!