top ten lists jokes

The Top Signs That You've Hired A Bad Private Eye

1. Considers reading "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" actually helpful reasearch.
   
   
2. He has a pet basset hound named "Flash" that acts as his trusty assistant.
   
   
3. His best disguise is wearing a hat.
   
   
4. Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.
   
   
5. Won't read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.
   
   
6. Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from "Murder She Wrote" when he thinks he's caught the suspect.
   
   
7. Well, he's blind.
   
   

Top Twenty New Slogans for Valuejet Airlines

1. ValueJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
   
   
2. ValueJet: We're Amtrak with wings.
   
   
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
   
   
4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.
   
   
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
   
   
6. Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
   
   
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
   
   
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
   
   
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
   
   
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
    
    
11. You think it's so easy, get your own plane!
    
    
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
    
    
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
    
    
14. ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.
    
    
15. ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
    
    
16. Bring a bathing suit.
    
    
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
    
    
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
    
    
19. Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God.
    
    
20. ValueJet: A real man lands where he wants to.
    
    

30 Ways to Have Fun at the Expense of Others

1. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
   
   
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
   
   
3. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
   
   
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
   
   
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
   
   
6. Practice making fax and modem noises.
   
   
7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
   
   
8. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
   
   
9. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
   
   
10. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
    
    
11. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
    
    
12. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
    
    
13. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
    
    
14. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
    
    
15. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
    
    
16. Honk and wave to strangers.
    
    
17. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
    
    
18. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
    
    
19. type only in lowercase.
    
    
20. dont use any punctuation either
    
    
21. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
    
    
22. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
    
    
23. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
    
    
24. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
    
    
25. Ask people what gender they are.
    
    
26. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
    
    
27. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
    
    
28. Sing along at the opera.
    
    

by Tina Mancuso and Paul Coen
10. Watch the bag fill.

9. Hyperventilate.

8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.

7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).

6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.

5. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.

4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.

3. Faint.

2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.

1. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"