signs that you're broke
Signs You're Really Broke
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- American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
- Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.
- You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
- You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.
- Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
- Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
- You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
- You receive care packages from Europe.
- Your bologna has no first name.
- You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
- You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
- You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
- You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.
- McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
- Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."
- The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.
asteroid hits the earth
Top Advantages of An Asteroid Really Hitting Earth
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- For starters, you'd be able to surf in South Dakota.
- Wouldn't have to hear that garbage Aerosmith song anymore.
- The one dinosaur on the planet (here's a clue..he's purple) would be extinct.
- We'd miss out on Tony Danza's or Jenny McCarthy's next sitcom.
- Puts a major damper on that Molly Hatchet/Judas Priest reunion tour.
- Pretty good chance that the Gorditas Dog from the Taco Bell commercials wouldn't survive.
- There'd be no more movies on the topic, that's for sure.
signs the car is a lemon
Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon
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- Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."
- Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
- Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
- Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
- Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
- Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
- Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.
- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
- Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
- Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
- "Jaws of Life" in trunk.
- The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.
- When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"
- You realize too late that it *is* your father's Oldsmobile.
- Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.
- The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.
commercial christmas
Signs Christmas Has Become To Commercial
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- You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"
- Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures."
- Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary "4th wise man" in new nativity scenes.
- The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus"
- Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's Indy 500.
- Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.
- WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!
- Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.
- Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.
- Santa's North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.
- Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, "On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dopey, now Eisner and Sleepy."
- $, the holiday formerly known as Christmas
- Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness's pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter's.
- The Baby GAP's line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)
- Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" -- an injunction limits Santa to "a bemused facial expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables."
- Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman's hair.
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