top ten lists jokes

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top ten lists


disney cruise delays
 
 
The Top 10 Reasons Disney Delayed Launching Their Cruise Line

  1. Pluto's "accident" on Deck 3

  2. Room service using Aladdin was getting out of hand.

  3. Exterminator killed off "rat" problem only to discover they were Mickey and Minnie's cousins.

  4. Drunken dispute between Donald and The Mighty Ducks over who was mightier.

  5. Charo kept showing up.

  6. The Beast from "Beauty and the Beast" kept eating the midnight buffet.

  7. The Seven Dwarfs vandalized the ship after failing to meet the "You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride" Requirements.

  8. Stench of seawater and 101 Dalmations was too strong.

  9. Tour guide Goofy goes into drunken rampage and uses Chip and Dale as Shuffleboard discs.

  10. New hires Doc,Isaac,and Gopher quit days before launch,citing that this job is not as "exciting and new" as their last one.

all of life's annoyances
 
 
Doesn't It Annoy You When...

  1. ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

  2. ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

  3. ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

  4. ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

  5. ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.

  6. ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

  7. ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.

  8. ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.

  9. ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

  10. ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.

  11. ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.

  12. ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

  13. ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.

  14. ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.

  15. ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

  16. ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

the human chalkboard
 
 
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.

2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.

3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.

4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.

5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.

6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.

7. I will get rid of those cats.

8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.

9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).

10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.

11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.

12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.

13. I will share everything I eat with my master.

14. I will allow my master on the couch.

15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.

16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.

17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.

18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.

19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.

20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."

21. I will not cut my master's nails.

22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.

23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".

24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.

25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.

26. I will not bring home any more cats.



27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.

28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.

29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.

30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.

31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.

32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.

33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.

34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.

35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.

36. Dog bladders are not large.

37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.

38. I will not run out of treats.

39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.

40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.

41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.

42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.

43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.

44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.

45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.

46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.

47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.

48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.

49. I will always carry cookies and treats.

50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.

51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.

52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.

53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".

54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.

55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".

learned from your kids
 
 
1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.

9. Super glue is forever.

10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

17. It will however make cats dizzy.

18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


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