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cats are thinking about
 
 
Ten Things A Cat Thinks About

  1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

  2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

  3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?

  4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?

  5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?

  6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.

  7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.



  8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

  9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?

  10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!

the hollywood hotel
 
 
The Top 10 Floor Plans for the Planet Hollywood Movie Hotel

  1. "Scream" suite which becomes vacant quickly.

  2. Hotel pool never gets used due to menacing music and one lone fin circling at all times.

  3. Marv Albert has reservations for "The Crying Game" floor.

  4. More suicide jump precautions on the Pauly Shore floor than anywhere else.

  5. No one takes a shower on the "Psycho" floor

  6. Pee-Wee Herman as a tour guide...YIKES

  7. No buttons on the elevator to the Star Wars floor...just use the Force.

  8. Room service involves Shannon Tweed and George Clooney.

  9. Wake up call on Stallone floor is "Yo, Adrian!"

  10. "Showgirls" floor booked until 2010..by Congress.

good to be an italian
 
 
Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian.

  1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes

  2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.

  3. No need to worry about tax returns

  4. Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.

  5. Can wear sunglasses inside

  6. Political stability

  7. Flexible working hours

  8. Live near the Pope

  9. Country run by Sicilian murderers

don't say to a judge
 
 
Top Things You Should Not Say To A Judge
  1. "I got your community service right here pal!"

  2. "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."

  3. "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"

  4. "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."

  5. "No you robe wearing geek."

  6. "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"

  7. "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"


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