top ten lists jokes

The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline

1. The engine's being held on by duct tape.
   
   
2. You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
   
   
3. In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
   
   
4. Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
   
   
5. Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
   
   
6. As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program"
   
   
7. The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
   
   
8. The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
   
   
9. Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
   
   
10. You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!
    
    

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

1. Here honey, you use the remote.
   
   
2. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
   
   
3. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
   
   
4. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
   
   
5. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
   
   
6. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
   
   
7. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
   
   
8. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
   
   
9. We never talk anymore
   
   

The Top Recently Rejected Saturday Morning Cartoons

1. "Billy, the Homicidal Smurf."
   
   
2. "Scooby and Shaggy Go To The Retirement Home."
   
   
3. "Archie, the Abcessed Tooth."
   
   
4. "Yosemite Sam...UNCENSORED!"
   
   
5. "The Golden Girls meet The Power Rangers."
   
   
6. "Da Boys in Mister Rogers Neighborhood."
   
   
7. "The Land of The Lost...The Barney Years."
   
   
8. "COPS" in full color animation!