top ten lists jokes

bad hostage negotiator

Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker:

Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.
Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
Forget your gun at home.
Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.

As Negotiator:

Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"
When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
Show up stoned and do anything at all.
When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"
Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."

bad to hear in surgery

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

make life simpler tips

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

good to be american

Top ten reasosn why it's great to be American

You can have a woman president without electing her
You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
You can call Budweiser beer
You can be a crook and still be president
If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
If you can breathe you can get a gun
You can invent a new public holiday every year
You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.

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