funny thoughts jokes

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Try a little kindness. As little as possible. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.

Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why is the word big so little and the word little so big?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?