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celebrity computer viruses
 
 

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.

Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away.

Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities.

Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information.

Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right.

Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data. Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.

Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do much of anything.

Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.

Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.

David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.

Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.

X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

ways to tell a redneck is on your computer
 
 

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The password is, "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.

a confused computer
 
 
A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it 'could not find the printer.' The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer—but his computer still could not 'see' the printer.
amuse-o-tron
 
 
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

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