Business jokes

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."

IRELAND
"Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?"

FRANCE
"Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren't the French just Germans who can make sauces?"

ITALY
"Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O's! "

POLAND
"Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?"

GERMANY
"Is this bratwurst kosher?"

TURKEY
"Where's the hash at? It's cool to slaughter Kurds though, right?"

KOREA
"Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?"

CHINA
"This wall isn't so great."

ENGLAND
"Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?"

SWEDEN
"Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

YEMEN
"Yemen? That's a stupid name for a country. What's it mean ‘Land Of Fanatics And Desert'?"

INDIA
"You don't live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?"

ETHIOPIA
"After a long day of travel, I'm famished. Hey – those flies sure love your newborn!"

CANADA
"You're like Americans without money."

SPAIN
"So, this is the country that's not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?"

SOUTH AFRICA
"I liked it better the other way."

MEXICO
"Cancun is nice, but the rest of this third world country sucks!"

SAUDI ARABIA
"Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?"

RUSSIA
"Is it always this cold and economically devastated?"

UZBEKISTAN
"Can you spell Uzbekistan?"

GREECE
"I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy. Anyone ever tell you that you resemble a Turk?"

AFGHANISTAN
"Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?"

JAPAN
"What's Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?"

AUSTRALIA
"How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?"

AMERICA
"You mean, you're all not loud, stupid, and fat?"

*These questions should not be shouted in English.

Check out Gerhard Reinke's WANDERLUST, Saturdays @ 11:30 PM | 9 C on Comedy Central.

Dear __________________________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)

__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

__ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

__ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. AMEN!

__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

__ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as 'Must See TV' demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.

__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,