yo mama's... ugly
Yo mama's so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application.
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signs you've had enough of the new millenium
1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2) You now think of three espressos as 'getting wasted.'
3) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for dinner?'
6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8) You didn't give your wife a Valentine's card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.
10) Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
11) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.
12) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
13) Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags our of the backseat of your car.
14) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.
15) You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16) You refer to your dining room table as "the flat filing cabinet."
17) Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
18) You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
19) You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
20) You think a 'half-day' means leaving at 5 o'clock.
21) You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
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2) You now think of three espressos as 'getting wasted.'
3) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for dinner?'
6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8) You didn't give your wife a Valentine's card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.
10) Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
11) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.
12) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
13) Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags our of the backseat of your car.
14) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.
15) You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16) You refer to your dining room table as "the flat filing cabinet."
17) Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
18) You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
19) You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
20) You think a 'half-day' means leaving at 5 o'clock.
21) You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
bill gates and general motors
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
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"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
the chinese workman
A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
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The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. 'So have you done the work then?' he asks.
The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
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