Business jokes

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.

When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2) You now think of three espressos as 'getting wasted.'

3) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for dinner?'

6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8) You didn't give your wife a Valentine's card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.

10) Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

11) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.

12) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

13) Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags our of the backseat of your car.

14) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

15) You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16) You refer to your dining room table as "the flat filing cabinet."

17) Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

18) You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

19) You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

20) You think a 'half-day' means leaving at 5 o'clock.

21) You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing - this means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's OK, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the Point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit

4. Feverish Nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations in to good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal,behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's OK, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help- immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says 'My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.'

The second woman says, 'My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.'

The third woman just shakes her head and says, 'My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.'