old age jokes jokes

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

I chanced to pass a window

While walking through a mall

With nothing much upon my mind,

Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that window

A cranky-faced old man,

And why he looked so cranky

I didn't understand. Just why he looked at ME that way

Was more than I could see

Until I came to realize

That cranky man was ME!

OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling

OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off

OLD BIKERS never die, but they're hard on tires

OLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away

OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away

OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures

OLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-print

OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter

OLD BRAKES never die, they just grind down

OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesse

OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat aces

OLD BUDGETS never die, they are fillibustered

OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away

OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away

OLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated

OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up

OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils

OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check out

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their references

OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out

OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under

OLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just float away

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just make a big production of it