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12201 - Steven Wright 17 - funny one liners
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it,... [read complete]
12202 - Steven Wright 18 - funny one liners
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a me... [read complete]
12203 - Steven Wright 19 - funny one liners
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green l... [read complete]
12204 - Steven Wright 20 - funny one liners
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the fun... [read complete]
12205 - Steven Wright 21 - funny one liners
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen! W... [read complete]
12206 - Steven Wright 22 - funny one liners
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing i... [read complete]
12207 - Steven Wright 23 - funny one liners
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen... [read complete]
12208 - Steven Wright 24 - funny one liners
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign ... [read complete]
12209 - Steven Wright 25 - funny one liners
I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose. I just got out of the hospi... [read complete]
12210 - Steven Wright 26 - funny one liners
All the plants in my house are dead--I shot them last night. I was torturing ... [read complete]
12211 - Steven Wright 27 - funny one liners
Even snakes are afraid of snakes. I can't stop thinking like this. This isn't... [read complete]
12212 - Robert Schmidt 01 - funny one liners
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I... [read complete]
12213 - Robert Schmidt 02 - funny one liners
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. ... [read complete]
12214 - Robert Schmidt 03 - funny one liners
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. I still have my... [read complete]
12215 - Robert Schmidt 04 - funny one liners
I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb". I s... [read complete]
12216 - Robert Schmidt 05 - funny one liners
Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill. Is "tired old cliche" one... [read complete]
12217 - Robert Schmidt 06 - funny one liners
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. I took a course in spe... [read complete]
12218 - Robert Schmidt 07 - funny one liners
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa... [read complete]
12219 - Robert Schmidt 08 - funny one liners
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the... [read complete]
12220 - Robert Schmidt 09 - funny one liners
Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts. Every day, the hummingbird eats i... [read complete]
12221 - Robert Schmidt 10 - funny one liners
You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything h... [read complete]
12222 - Robert Schmidt 11 - funny one liners
The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished base... [read complete]
12223 - Robert Schmidt 12 - funny one liners
I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when out of to... [read complete]
12224 - Robert Schmidt 13 - funny one liners
My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle t... [read complete]
12225 - Deep Thoughts 01 - funny one liners
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we ca... [read complete]
12226 - Deep Thoughts 02 - funny one liners
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up hi... [read complete]
12227 - Deep Thoughts 03 - funny one liners
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody calle... [read complete]
12228 - Deep Thoughts 04 - funny one liners
One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff. It's amaz... [read complete]
12229 - Deep Thoughts 05 - funny one liners
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I... [read complete]
12230 - Deep Thoughts 06 - funny one liners
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they ... [read complete]
12231 - Deep Thoughts 07 - funny one liners
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why sever... [read complete]
12232 - Deep Thoughts 08 - funny one liners
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and... [read complete]
12233 - Deep Thoughts 09 - funny one liners
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes peop... [read complete]
12234 - Deep Thoughts 10 - funny one liners
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I rem... [read complete]
12235 - Deep Thoughts 11 - funny one liners
It you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real emba... [read complete]
12236 - Deep Thoughts 12 - funny one liners
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives co... [read complete]
12237 - Deep Thoughts 13 - funny one liners
Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be... [read complete]
12238 - Deep Thoughts 14 - funny one liners
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop... [read complete]
12239 - Deep Thoughts 15 - funny one liners
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much g... [read complete]
12240 - Deep Thoughts 16 - funny one liners
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones... [read complete]
12241 - Deep Thoughts 17 - funny one liners
Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impre... [read complete]
12242 - I get no respect 01 - funny one liners
"Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok no... [read complete]
12243 - I get no respect 02 - funny one liners
"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get." "I remember... [read complete]
12244 - I get no respect 03 - funny one liners
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won'... [read complete]
12245 - I get no respect 04 - funny one liners
"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said... Are you goi... [read complete]
12246 - I get no respect 05 - funny one liners
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's... [read complete]
12247 - I get no respect 06 - funny one liners
"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyf... [read complete]
12248 - Why ask why 01 - funny one liners
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? If the 7-11 is open ... [read complete]
12249 - Why ask why 02 - funny one liners
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why... [read complete]
12250 - Why ask why 03 - funny one liners
How did a fool and his money get together? Do cemetery workers prefer the gra... [read complete]
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