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stop being late to work
 
 
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

business one-liners 27
 
 
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.

Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.

Our present business is not to exchange compliments but arguments. - Robert Boyle, 17th century chemist

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

People do not change, they only become more so.

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

People specialize in their area of greatest weakness.

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worse.

a corporate boat race
 
 
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.

After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

business one-liners 112
 
 
Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Gilb's Laws Of Unreliability: 1) At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 3) Udetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 4) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game.

Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Glyme's Formula for Success: The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Goebel's Law Of Useless Difficulty: Just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's worth the effort.


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