business jokes jokes

Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.

Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "get lost" in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock.

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do.

Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.

If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.

If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.

If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.

If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is very near zero.

First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).

First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.

First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.

Flo Capp's Observation: The next best thing to doing something smart is not doing something stupid.

Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Flucard's Corollary: Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."