business jokes jokes

Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.

Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.

Finagle's Laws: 1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it. 3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it. 4) No matter what results occur, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory. 5) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 6) In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 7) The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. 8) Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.

Finagle's Law Of Government Contracting: Dealing with the government is like kicking a 300-pound sponge.

Finagle's Law Of Military Superiority: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Finagle's Rules: 1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 2) Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working. 3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading. 4) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.

Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences; if you have none, someone will make one for you.

Franklin's Rule: Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be disappointed.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be bored.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Goebel's Second Law Of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn't worth doing.

Goebel's Law Of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.

Goebel's Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine.

Goebel's Theorem Of Software Schedules: Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up going full circle.

Goebel's Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a chance of seeing it before that time.

Goebel's Observation On Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace, they would immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it.

Goebel's Law Of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you make yourself easy to understand?

Gumperson's Law: The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.

H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach, administrate.

Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.

Hall's Laws of Politics: 1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. 3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts).

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.

Harp's Corollary To Estridge's Law: Your "IBM PC-compatible" computer grows more incompatible with every passing moment.